“Why Did You Doubt?”

WHAT HAPPENED? What suddenly triggered the pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes—what released this inner storm? We just got off the phone with our youngest son. When little, he knew just how to “push my buttons” and evoke a sharp emotional response. Over the years God made Himself very real and personal to Joel, and he still “pushes my buttons.” However, now it flows through the Holy Spirit to open my heart in places that need opening.

Today we talked about anxiety and how beneath anxiety lies the desire for control. The harder we try to control our world, the more anxious we become. The Lord knows how years and circumstances stripped away my perceived ability to control life. Now I just feel lost at sea. My life and identity used to center on music, art, and dramatic performances, and over time, a wife, mother, and grandmother. Right now I feel generations behind. I cannot possibly catch up to the changes in music, art forms, technology, fashions, or compete with the abilities or motivations of the young. After Sunday’s worship service of songs I knew not, nor could sing with, much less catch the rhythm or melody of, I felt depressed… okay, maybe despairing—wanting to give up.

My son also mentioned people who want Jesus to come back to rescue them from this evil world instead of fighting to make a difference where they’re planted. Of course, that royally pushed my buttons because I’ve not made it a secret of how much I long for Christ’s return. Yet, the tears began to flow because without control, I must grieve my losses, crawl out of my tomb of self-imposed despair, and be renewed in hope, all of which feel harder than giving up.

Myron Rae Lefevre wrote: Without Him I could do nothing, Without Him, I’d surely fail, Without Him I would be drifting, Like a ship without a sail. Strange that Elvis sang this song. Obviously, it’s not enough to know I can do nothing without Him. I must remember I still CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. What does it take to cut my losses, get back on stage, and reach for the high calling of God in Christ Jesus? Obviously, the ability to orchestrate my life comes not through my own ingenuity, wisdom, creativity, or power, but in determined, intentional trust in God’s plan for each stage of my life.

Matthew tells the story of when Jesus goes up a mountain to pray and a storm catches the disciples, tossing them about in the middle of the sea. Just when it seems it can’t get any worse, it does. They sight a “ghost” coming toward them on the water, which terrifies them! Then Jesus calls out to them, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

Peter, of course it would be Peter, calls out to the ghost, “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.”

Jesus says, “Come,” and Peter gets out of the boat and walks on water toward Jesus. But then, as we all do, he turns his eyes from Jesus, looks at the wind and waves, and immediately begins to sink into his scary circumstances. He suddenly realizes he is not in control and it scares him out of his wits!

Yet, Jesus remains the Blessed Controller of all things. That’s why He says to Peter, “You of little faith. Why did you doubt?” Then He calms the wind.

Why did you doubt? Why? Why when I AM and I am in complete and total control of the wind and waves and everything else in your precious life? Why do you doubt My orchestration of your life no matter how many years go by, no matter how far behind you feel, no matter how weary you become?

Strangely, also today, my dear, once widowed college friend posted a blog about financial preparedness involving the death of a spouse (carolshope.com). We cannot control when that will happen. But it will. Responding to my comment on her blog, Carol e-mailed me saying, “We need to trust God with the circumstances of our lives, knowing they are out of our control; however, we are to be “wise as serpents and harmless as doves” (Matt 10:16). I think that applies to preparing as we can, and leaving the rest to His love and wisdom.”

Dear ones, Jesus says to us, “Come.” He invites us to “walk on water” as long as we keep our eyes on Him. As we release control, He draws us out of our helpless despair, stills our inner storms, and safely brings us to shore.

Walk On Water

TAKE COURAGE!
It is I,” He said,
“Don’t be afraid.”
… With eyes on Jesus
He left the boat
And began to walk on the sea,
But he turned to look
At the raging wind,
And sinking cried, “Lord, save me!”
Jesus caught him with his hand
And gently drew him out,
“Oh you of little faith,” He said,
“Why did you doubt?”

(Principle of Matthew 14:27-31 by MarJean Peters © 2016)